Today has been one of those days that I dread. While the weather outside looks beautiful and I should be enjoying the sunshine, my soul is in a dark place. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to drag myself up out of the sludge of emotions and self doubt.
I suppose part of my problem lies in the fact that I have been struggling with the first step in the Al-Anon program for the last several months. This is the step that states:
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
At first this step seems simple, or at least it did for me. I just need to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. This should be relatively easy considering that I no longer live with an alcoholic. I don’t have to deal with the daily irritants that alcoholism provides.
But it is not as simple as I thought. While intellectually I can admit to the powerlessness over alcohol and I can even intellectually admit that my life has become unmanageable it is emotionally and spiritually where I run into the problem.
Deep within me, my soul rejects that idea that I cannot control my life. Deep down the emotions boil and churn telling me that I can control my life.
This leads me to another problem I am having with step one. I know that the other Al-Anon members are there for me to lean on in my time of need. And while I have found it fairly easy to open up and share my experiences during my weekly meetings, I have found it is hard for me to call them in between. I can’t seem to admit to myself that I need the help.
Maybe it is my ego telling me that I don’t need the help. Throughout my life I have been remarkably self reliant. I have always avoided asking for help because I viewed it as a sign of weakness. And I did not want anyone to see me as weak.
I have been praying and reading literature for the better part of the day. I have been trying to find some piece of knowledge that will help me make the call that I know that I need to make. I thought that writing about it would help me breach the roadblock that has been standing in my way of making progress. I already feel a little bit better after getting this down into writing. I am going to place that call now..
I feel for you state of mind for me my stubborness kept me from getting help sooner. I had never encountered anything that I couldn't control. When alcoholism came into my life I had met my match. It kept me busy and isolated for a long time. When the alcoholic left I was alone and broken. I had no friends. I had to learn that acceptance was not defeat and that trusting people in the program was part of my own humility. Letting go of what was not working and admitting I didn't have answers was a blow to my ego. Bottom line I wanted to feel better so I had to trust a power greater than myself. Besides what was there to lose I was already crazy.
ReplyDeleteThank you Grace. I have not lived with an alcoholic for about sixteen years. Yet my problems persisted. I am happy to say that I think that I may have broken the roadblock yesterday afternoon after writing this. I managed to summon the courage to call another member to ask for help. I was finally able to admit to myself that I needed help. I had a wonderful almost hour long conversation with him. And I am also happy to say that I now have a sponsor. I have made some progress and that is all that I can hope for right now.
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